it can be pretty difficult to read some of my archived posts.
 
it's as if.. it's bad enough that i know who wrote those words.. i am the person who wrote those words!
 
but sometimes something will pop up that makes me feel .. comforted.
 
 
dot dot dot.
 
i'm glad they're there though.
 
ahh blog no one visits anymore. it has become what i was hoping it would eventually become.

my heart is beating really heavily right now. i have a feeling that i'm one of those people who look healthy enough from the outside but are actually on the brink.

 
a while ago i realized that i didn't want to .. well.. this is hard to put into words.

a few of my friends are in love. it feels strange to say that. i've been avoiding describing them as "in love", but saying "a few of my friends say they are in love" seems like i'm waving their feelings off. i guess they are though. anyway, a few of them are in love. but as much happiness and comfort as that seems to give them, i don't think i'd want to be in their positions.

i guess there are a number of reasons for this.

one of the big ones is that it's reminded me of how distracting relationships can be. it's kind of ironic.. in that sometimes i'd miss what it was like being in one of my pseudo-relationships. but when i was actually going through them, i would rather not be in any relationship of that kind. at all, i mean. maybe it's because it's pretty new and different and what's the word.. unsettling? unfamiliar? confusing? you just don't know what to do. of course, i've never been in love before, but from what i hear (haha) it's not any less confusing.

or maybe it's that i'm actually trying to find a reason for me to disapprove of their relationships. i'm not used to these guys being so serious about guys. it wasn't until julia started dating will that i've noticed this. i wouldn't call shannon a private person, but she's not as verbose as julia about these kind of things. maybe it's because i don't know will. which raises the question of why will would be different since i don't know pierre either. it's not even will personally. i think it's just that they have their own lives now. haha i'm such a mom.

but they do. and that sucks in a way. it's like when i left the science centre. i remember trying to explain to my mom how strange i felt in toronto after that. "we were this group. and we belonged together. and just being in the same city as them was special. we had a place that was meant for us, and we were perfect for it. but now it's gone. we're still in the same city, but we're not that group anymore. we don't belong there anymore, and we're going back to our old places and old faces."  it's hard to see my old friends with new people who are familiar faces to them now. being the home friend is hard. is that why i'm seeking out all these old OLD friends that i had lost touch with? is that my way of making our relationship new again? in a way, we're just getting to know each other again. funny. 3 out of 5 of the people i'm trying to get to know again were the 3 people i called my best friend.

i rarely talk to emma now too. and i could easily see her as being my best friend in high school even though i didn't always confide in her or anything. i guess i just feel she can relate to me more on some things. or maybe it was just because i had the most classes with her.

oh man, how many times have i used the term best friend now? geez, am i in grade 4 again or something? i should get t-shirts made for all of them. haha. aw.

i guess i was older when i went away to school because i did my undergrad in toronto and lived at home.  i think i felt like i was ready to try living away.  still, i t was definitely an adjustment and i did miss home at times.  to be honest i am amazed by you and your perspective on things. i think back to when i was that age and i'm like, man i didn't have a clue.  you seems to be pretty in touch with your feelings and have a lotof perspective on things.  i don't think that there is anything wrong with missing your family or feeling a sense of loss when relationships or circumstances change at any age.
 
i've often been told that i had a lot of persepective on things. by an embarassing mix of people. relatives, teachers.. psychiatrists.. marriage councellors.. (you see where the psychiatry comes in?)

is it strange that i exchange regular emails with my thirty-something grade 12 calculus teacher? i've opened up a lot to him, and he has to me, i guess. if i didn't know jen did as well, i probably would have stopped a while ago, just because of feeling it was inappropriate somehow. i like having an adult friend. a lot. it's really great sometimes. plus mike is a really nice and funny guy. it's pretty neat. i accidentally ruined his favourite pen while in the centre for a volunteering, and also left him a note calling him a jerk (it's a semi-long story. medium length), so he wrote me an email telling me his ..well here it is:

oh wait i deleted it long ago. basically that's how it started. once we were discussing the possibility of fate. i was marvelling at how random and lucky the universe seems to be. how amazing it is that there are such things as culture, society, art, computers, fashion, and so on, when really it all came from a bunch of protists. all this is just luck. it would be near impossible to accept, except that it's right here in front of me. but i suppose the best way to explain it all is how my second term bio prof put it:

in a game of golf, when someone hits a drive and hopefully, if you're somewhat competent at the sport, it doesn't land in the sand pit, you'll find the ball sitting comfortably between these two blades of grass. out of the whole golf course, it landed between these two blades. the odds that the ball would land on these two specific blades are incredibly poor. and it's very likely that the ball would never land on these two specific blades again.. at least not for a mind-numbingly long time. but it did.

 

so i've obviously forgotten where i was going with all this.

 

it's late and i should get going soon.

after coming home from the un-trip and later the nerdery semester, i wanted to tell everyone how unhappy i was. not just that, but how out of place i felt, and how it was as if i was living in the past. that i had already moved past so many things, but i had to go back and re-live them. i was so tired of all the gossip and superficiality i had to deal with, and it was as if i were being stifiled. i didn't miss my old friends when i was gone. i didn't want to humour people, and i didn't want to be where i was.

but i didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. so i didn't talk about it, or i at least minced my words when i did choose to talk about it. my friends still don't know what it was like for me during those times, and i don't really care to let them know.

i remember asking dayna how the experience was when she spent a summer in quebec in the french program. and she said that it was amazing and it was probably just like how i felt when i was at the nerdery. i remember thinking that it was impossible for a crummy time like that to compare with the one i had. maybe harsh and maybe wrong, but it was what i thought at the time.

yet now i'm reading about how emma came back from paris and is more or less feeling the way i did after i came home from those times.. and i don't really know why i bothered mincing my words.

i've been chauffeuring everyone everywhere today. and it's not even 11am yet. andrew thought he had to work but my dad wasn't at his place so instead we rode around on the ATV (aka big red. hahaha). it was fun. and surprisingly tricky at first.

From :  Pat
Sent :  July 24, 2004 4:35:54 AM
To :  Steph Subject :  Wei-ming!! 
 
 Steph,    AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHhha, that is fucking hilarious I had forgotten about all that stuff, but its hilarious how nerdy we were....are.. Anyways, holy shit, its been a long damn time since I have seen you. I bet you look the same, maybe with longer hair, actually maybe its shorter now?!? Anyways, yeah this summer I am doing nothing but working and jamming and hanging out with people. No goals really, except to try to pay all my tuition in cash. Yeah yeah, I know what you're thinking righht now.... "Tuition?!? What the fuck" Yes believe it or not Paddy made it to college. So yeah, going to St. Lawerence for graphic design, which isn't too bad, but my actual plan for college is to get signed to a record label. We'll see how that goes, I might just end up doing my homework, but I still want to play lots of shows. It's gonna be great. But that's enough for now, till you learn to write more words this is all you get. Take Care,
Paddy


figures he's going to school with a friend (or more?). julia had told me mike is going to st.lawrence as well. i remember mike saying he wanted to be a civil engineer. i wonder what he's going to college for. it's cool he's going to school though. pat, that is. like i said before, i had tried to write him back during my last month at mac, because i had been sitting in the mills reading room and was suddenly reminded of our wierd zelda obsession.

i think it had to do with the blind boy who was studying in front of me, and gossiping with his short friend girl. they were talking about sex and one was explaining the hidden meaning between 69 to the other. hahaha i'm sure i was annoyed at the time, but now it's just funny.


andrew found a father's day letter/card to my dad in the boathouse today. it was written by sara and octavio, joan's daughter and her husband (sara's). i didn't have any reaction at first, but now it reminds me of how joan shows me all of sara's baby's pictures, and tells me "oh you just have to meet her, she's the cutest thing!" and how octavio is "this nice roman boy.." and gives me a disco wink. how they have sara and octavio over, and how octavio loves my dad and my dad takes him and joan's dad out on cruises and such..

ugh, it makes me so sick. i want to puke.

yet when she's actually telling me, that is to say, at the time, i'm all ooing and ahhing at the right times, like i would to anyone.
either my dad figures everything's alright and everyone's already well-adjusted to this whole situation, or he's just ignoring it.

he wanted to take andrew and myself to osh kosh (begosh!) for their famous airshow. he said we'd camp out under the wing of the plane in a field with all the other people who had flown in. it'd be soooo fun. then he mentioned joan would come too. she'd stay in a bed-and-breakfast of course. but he didnt' even run it by andrew and myself. the plane isn't even meant for four people. so andrew said that if joan was coming, he wouldn't go, and my dad got really angry about how andrew had "dropped this grenade" on him. even though we've written him letters about how we don't want to see her when we see him. ugh. she's is SO nice to me.
i don't like sara's child. joan referred to my dad being her grand"daddy". and it made my stomach feel watery and warm. it made me have diarrheaaaaa!

eugh. i think i mention diarrhea in every other post.
so a while ago there was an arbitration between my mom and my dad. my mom basically had the losing end, and so has to give up a lot of money that she doesn't have to various parties. my dad wants to use this money to rent planes to get andrew and i our licenses. i absolutely abhor the idea of my mom basically paying for flying lessons. it makes me so angry and scared of how good my dad is at having things go his way, and getting you stuck in a corner.

From :  melissa
Sent :  July 24, 2004 7:36:05 PM
To :  steph
Subject :  RE: hi   

Hello!
Yeah, camping sounds good. I can definitely go on Saturday night. Just let me know if you guys are going for sure and what campsite number it is. Yes, my number is 475-5961. So call me closer to the day, just to make sure it is still on, and I will be there. I really want to see people at least once before I go. And I know Zac, we go way back! I talked to him at Sobeys the other day. We are like this _______. (my index and middle finger are crossed). Anyways, I hope it all works out. Can't wait to see you guys!
Melissa  

aww mel!she sounds so much more at ease in this email, compared to the other ones she's sent me. this one reminds me of the way she'd write letters back at st.peter's. this makes me happy.
here's an earlier one to compare with (and also for a recap if you were wondering what she's up to)..

From :  melissa 
Sent :  June 14, 2004 4:22:50 PM
To :  stephSubject :  RE: who ees this?  
 
Steph,
I have to say, titling your email "who ees this?" shocked me. I thought that maybe you came across my email address and you couldnt remember who it belonged to or who I was.  Then I read your email and it was all better. I was very happy to hear from you.

I am also very happy that you guys came to see Les Mis and I can't believe I didn't see you. I know I was busy and everything, though. Do you remember what night you went? I also saw Shannon there one night with a whole bunch of her friends that I didn't know.  I also know it was partly my fault because I was supposed to call you guys and tell you when the play was. Sorry, I was so busy!! But thats no excuse. Sorry. I'm really glad you guys liked it.

Yes, I have been working full time at Hollandale since the end of April. Yes, I am going to UBC, in Vancouver, in the fall. I dont know yet when I will leave. Probably the last week of August. I dont have an apartment yet, it is too early to look. I am moving there with my boyfriend, Mike, who will be at UBC as well.  He is in Forestry, and did his first year at Lakehead. I will be in Arts for first year and then technical theatre second year and beyond. My parents are happy. They will miss me but they are really excited for me. Plus, we are driving there, so I'll get to see the rest of Canada, which I have never done.

All I do right now is work, go through my room and get rid of all the junk I have, hang out with friends whenever I can,etc. What are you doing? are you working? How did you like your first year of school? Now it is your turn to fill me in!

I would like to see all of you before I go, at least once, so call me next time you guys are going out, even if it is just a movie or dinner or something. What do you guys do? Do you hang out a lot. I mean you dont have to organize something specifically for me, but nxt time you are going out, maybe just give me a call.
Anyways, I'll talk to you later.
Melissa  

maybe it had to do with the fact that the last time we talked led to me basically (and i regret to say..purposely.. only a little though) messing up our plans to get together.
she always refers to herself as melissa. i remember her mentioning how no one at enss called her mel, and once she ran into curtis w and he yelled out "mel!" and everyone was wondering who he was yelling at.

aw green bean.

i've been flipflopping about a date to meet up with mike and jen. i think it's getting to jen a little, anyway. i used to go 110% to meet with any of the nerdery folk, but now.. it just doesn't seem to be worth it. as bad as that sounds. maybe it's because it's been so long since the semester (it seems), that i've forgotten a lot of how i felt while there (i miss the feeling). or that after being at mac for pretty much a year, i still didnt' get together with any of the ones who were there, which made the gap between us seem larger.. maybe it's because it seemed like only a few of us were putting forth the effort to get together.. maybe it's me becoming more conscious of just how much money it costs to go to toronto for just a few hours..

most likely all of those. it's too bad though.

i found Sophie's World the other day, and so i've started to reread it. it's such a good book. and it's made me wonder if i lost any of that philosophic, child-like view of the world. have i become jaded?


yesterday everyone was home and it was very nice.

i've been reading some old posts. and i'm beginning to realize that first year wasn't as bad as i tell everyone it is.

this summer has been pretty much what i've been expecting.

and that's all i mean to say right now.